If It's Just You and Me Trying to Find Our Light
by holygoof101
Summary: Just because he's figured it out doesn't mean she has and that's their problem. Post Ease My Restless Mind Finncentric Finchel drabble.


A/N: Yet another example of what happens when I'm an insomniac and everyone I know sleeps. So I said I was leaving the 'Rolling Stone Finn' Saga alone but I make no promises anymore... So this one is set post Ease My Restless Mind. Really with this one I'd recommend you'd read the other parts but I guess it could stand alone. It's late I apologize for any mistakes I may have missed and I blame Mat Kearney his song Ships in the Night for this one. Read, enjoy and all this good stuff.

0000

It's all new territory for them.

He never thought having it figured out would mean leaving her wondering. It's all very new territory. She's Rachel and she's always had it all figured out. She's always known exactly what she wanted and where she wanted to be. And that's kind of their whole problem.

See he never had a dream to chase after; he spent years just wandering trying to find a dream to chase after. And when he couldn't find one he just kept trying to figure it out. But then he did. He figured out want he wanted and started chasing after dreams. Except by the time he figured out what his dreams were he didn't have to actually chase them, they were just there waiting for him. But Rachel, who's known her dreams since she was like five, she's still chasing her dreams. And he thinks, no he knows sometimes that it's painful for her that his seemed to come to him so easily. Except they didn't. She's been chasing and he's been figuring out and it's like the same thing. Or at least to him it's like the same thing. And she just doesn't get that.

She doesn't get that and he's pretty sure that's why they're here sitting on opposite couches in their apartment not speaking. That's why he's gripping the bottle in his hand so tightly his knuckles are white and he's afraid it might break. He needs to pack but they've been sitting in silence for what seems like hours. With her humming to herself and him gripping his bottle sneaking glances in her direction despite his refusal to look at her.

"Are you coming with me or not?" He finally speaks up and watches as her head snaps and her eyes cut at him.

"You're going whether I go or not. So just go to your stupid award show Finn. Maybe if I'm lucky you'll come back." Her voice cuts through the tension in the room like razor blades.

"Excuse me?" It's a comment that's half sarcastic and half honest. Like she can't really think he's not coming back. Not after everything he put himself through to get back to her. She can't honestly believe that and the idea that she might... It's just... She can't really think that.

"You've always been really good at leaving Finn. For one reason or another and here's your new reason. It's like being the hot shot quarterback all over again. Only now you're the hot shot producer. And while still wildly talented and I'm still the loser that's not as successful or as popular as you. So just take the out and leave again. It's what you do. You make me feel like I'm enough and then leave. So do it again, at least this time I'm ready." She states as she sits up and tries to give a subtle shrug.

He's not even sure what the fuck she's talking about but there's venom in her words. Like she wants to poison him, poison them. Like she's trying to make it easy for him to leave so she'll just be right. Except she's not fucking right. He's not leaving her. Hell he invited her to go with him to Los Angeles. He wants her to go with him. She's the one with rehearsal. She's the one with the excuse not to go with him. That's not his fault. And she's not going to make it his fault.

"What the hell are you talking about Rachel? Its two days for a stupid award show where I probably won't even win anything and then I'll be back? Why are making this such an issue?" The questions come out angry but he's angry. Angry and confuses as all hell as to why they're even fighting now. He thought this was all about his Grammy nomination and her getting over looked for a Tony but now it's like it's something else altogether.

"I'm not making it an issue. I'm just pointing out the truth." Her voice is flat as she stands from the couch and makes her way to the bedroom and closes the door behind herself.

He shivers as the door closes. They don't close doors in their apartment. A closed door means being left alone and they've spent enough time alone. So they don't close doors in their apartment. A sigh leaves his lungs as he rests his head back against the couch. She's just a few feet away but that few feet might as well be five hundred miles. He's still not entirely sure what this is all about but they'll be okay. He knows they will. They have to be.

00000

Weather delayed his connecting flight so now he's rushing through the airport to catch his ride and make everything on time. He hates rushing. In fact he's never really liked being rushed. Maybe that comes from all the years he played football. Usually when he was being rushed it meant the next thing was being blindsided and put on his back. And being put painfully on his back at that. So he kinda of equates being rushed with the pain of being hit. Plus he's gotten used to being able to do things on his own timeframe now. So this whole rushing through the airport thing. He doesn't like it. And it's certainly not something he wants to get used to.

He hasn't had time to check his phone because still catching his breath when he gets into the car that's waiting on him. But when he does finally get a second to scroll through the messages waiting on him the only name he wants to see is missing. There's nothing from Rachel. It's like she's trying to make some damn point. A point that he just doesn't get. And whatever point she's trying to make, even though he doesn't get it, it pisses him off because she can't just be happy for him. She's not here to support him and if the situation were reversed he'd be there to support her. So he's kind of pissed and maybe it's a good thing there's no message from her because more fighting would make him even more aggravated and pissed. Which considering that he's about to have to go shake hands with a bunch of people he's never met and smile at people who don't even realize why he's there, it's probably a good thing she's not doing anything else to piss him off.

He tucks his phone back into his pocket and nods in agreement with his thoughts that it's best not to be even more pissed. He chews on the inside of his cheek and he can't stop his eyes from drifting down to look at his pocket. All the thoughts of what's best can't shake that voice in the back of his mind that just really wishes she was there with him.

000

His production credits don't win anything. Sure it's an honor just to be nominated but still not winning sucks. He's not won enough in his life that he didn't really expect to win anything but still it sucks. So he cancels his hotel. His two day trip is going to be less than 36 hours now because all he wants is to be home. All he wants is to be back in New York. Back home in his apartment with Rachel. And he really wishes they weren't still fighting or not speaking or whatever the hell is going on because really he's still not entirely sure what it was all about. And that sucks. But there's enough suck going on to where he just wants to pretend that suck isn't going on so he can at least look forward to going home.

He's tightening the bag on his shoulder and standing in line to get on the plane when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. It's been going off so much the past few hours that he almost ignores it. But the line in front of him in really long and if he doesn't want to deal with whoever it is he can always shove it back in his pocket.

Except whoever it is, is actually Rachel. He wants to be bitter because this is the first he's heard from her since their fight before he left but...

"I watched. I'm sorry. I love you. We'll talk when you get home?"

Something about that girl. He just can't be mad. He never could. They'll talk when he gets home. He nods at his phone and then saves the text before tucks the phone into his pocket as he boards the plane.

0000

He reads he text again on the plane. It's still the same simple apology. He knows it's heartfelt though. And he knows she means it. But the question mark at the end of her 'we'll talk when you get home' bothers him. And the long trip from Los Angeles to New York gives him time to really think about it. To really think about everything. When he left New York he thought it was all about how he succeeding and she was still chasing but now... Now that's not it.

He never realized it and he should have years ago but she's got some abandonment issues. Especially when it comes to him. Like what she said to him, that he was just going to leave again that's because he has. He's said he was going to always be there and left. And he's done that more than once. He's really thought about that because she was always there, she was always there for him and she was always there in his mind. She never left him. But he left her. And now that he's really tracing over everything he's left her a lot.

It's not about success. It's not about some stupid award. It's about walking away and leaving. It's about how he's been able to just walk away and leave. He's done it more times than even she knows. He can't really blame her for being scared. It all makes sense now. It's the whole reason she didn't want him to go, it's the whole reason she started the fight before he left. She's scared, and he can't blame her for it.

0000

It's almost four in the morning and she's not expecting him home until tomorrow at the earliest. So he tries to be somewhat quiet as he enters the apartment. He doesn't want to be too quiet because the last thing he wants is Rachel to think he's a burglar and mace him, but he's not quite ready to wake her up either.

He got a lot of thinking done on the plane ride to New York and then the forty five minute cab ride home and even more on the climb up three flights of stairs. He's had plenty of time to think but knowing what to say is a completely different story. It's like he knows exactly what he wants to say, it's just he's not sure how to say it all. Or at least how to say it all and have it make any sense. Maybe make any sense isn't the right idea; maybe it's more that he doesn't know how to say it well enough to get his point across to her without creating another fight. He doesn't want more fighting. He's done fighting. He's over it. He just wants them to be okay because he knows they're going to be okay, he just needs here to know they're going to be okay and he hasn't figured out how to make her believe that.

The bedroom door is open. And maybe she's not expecting him but that's still a good sign. He carefully places his bag on the floor and kicks off his shoes, making just enough noise to where he knows she'll wake up for him. It's not until she slightly stirs that he takes the opportunity to crawl onto the bed. He rests above the blankets as he moves against her while his hand searches for hers.

"I'm sorry you didn't win" she whispers and pushes back against. "I'm sorry." Her voice repeats sounding more like a plea than an apology.

He didn't need an apology. Her voice was all he needed to hear. It's all he wanted to hear. His head ducks into the nape of her neck and he places a soft kiss just behind her ear as his hand finally finds hers and he tightly interlocks their fingers. "It's fine. I'm home. That's all that matters." And it's an honest statement because all that matters to him is that he's home, that he's with her. "I know I've left a lot Rachel. But I'm done leaving okay. I'm done finding my way back to you because I'm here now. And I'm not leaving. And I need you to know that so these last 36 hours don't happen again okay." He can feel her chest inflate and the wetness of a tear coming falling as he nuzzles her cheek. She nods and tightens the grip between her fingers as if to silently say she believes him. "It's not just pretty words. I mean it." There's nothing he's ever meant more.


End file.
